“Self trust — it’s a very hard thing to achieve, for me. To trust yourself. Because we don’t really do it, you know?” — Philip Guston, Painter
Oftentimes, we get so busy that we forget that we can choose.
But we can. We can choose to live with self trust or with continuous doubt and fear. I think it’s clear how a majority of people live, even if they might not realize this truth consciously. For, to live with self trust means, not so much in following established beliefs, but in refusing to accept living in a way that’s almost completely disassocciated from reality. It’s the plight of modernity to live in constant fear. If we can’t recognize our malaise, we will stay in it.
Consider this metaphor: God (the universe, or whatever the powers may be) has invited man to his/her/its home. He enters the abode and finds the surroundings filled with immeasurable abundance including a vast array of food, comforts and entertainment. There’s almost an endless supply of delicious concoctions enough to delight every taste and need, and all of it offered to him openly and perpetually. But despite all this, he’s discontent. Although he was at first delighted by the generosity of his host, he’s now grown accustomed to what’s been given and begins to demand more than what’s currently available. He wants more of everything; more variety, more comfort, more fun, more delicacies, more convenience and more security. And, as if that’s not enough, he gets bitter, hateful and even violent when it doesn’t arrive exactly when and in the way that he desires. He’s forgotten completely that he’s only a guest here. And in advancing his greedy selfish agenda, he seeks to exploit and destroy all that’s in his way creating conflict and war everywhere he goes, living with and extending his continuous fear.
“Decisions, not conditions, determine what a man is.” — Viktor Frankl, Psychiatrist
Can we live differently?
In living with self trust, one can begin to accept things. Self trust is in a sense a trust in the intelligence of the universe. To acknowledge that we don’t know and can not know everything. And it’s actually great. Taking a humble stance when viewing life and its offerings counters the strains that come with our inherent biological insecurity. We see more clearly. We see we’re a part of nature and that we’re all connected to each other. We learn to accept struggle, failure, loss and even death. We stop chasing and stop worrying all the time. And we can stop clinging and let go of the past. We don’t follow the crowd that’s brainwashed by propaganda, that organized lie that preys on our desires and fears. We accept challenge and change. For everything, including knowledge itself, is provisional.
“Reality always outruns apprehension. ” — Terence McKenna, Writer
Instead of forcing things, and hoping for things to turn out, we focus on just being. Attention is paramount. We make art instead of talk about making art. We avoid the superficial, the empty, and the banal. We lose any concern for what others may think of our insistence on living authentically. Our time is spent on observation, exploration and creating. Instead of comparing and competing with others, we cooperate and connect with them; we build synergy. We grow beyond the limits of our existential immaturity and refuse to judge and label others with our ideations. We focus on attending and giving. Life becomes about quality, not quantity or quickness. With self trust, we stop doubting that deep urge inside us that says to do what we might mentally fear the most. We trust the intelligence that’s beyond our understanding.
And we will be rewarded.
LIke a painter who walks around his model, we begin to see from different perspectives of what’s in front of us. We expand our powers of perception; we see wider, deeper and clearer. Each moment carries greater meaning. Each step we take — the stroke of our pen or the turn of the clay in our hands — has value because it contributes to real and honest living. Instead of the ideology of a commodified and financialized world, we choose the reality of being. We choose humanism over mechanism. And in all that we do, there’s no idea of pride or glory but only a view that’s generous, like that of our creator, both completely benevolent yet ironically self-sufficient. We focus on making things and appreciate what’s been made. Here, unmeasurable concepts like virtue, learning, journey, discovery, creation, gratitude, play and love all equate to the same thing. Death becomes vital and a part of life. We don’t worry about control or order. With self trust, we create our own order. All things become simpler. Day to day existence becomes selfless and beautiful. Life becomes, as in our greatest dreams, “a life worth living.”
“Airplanes are not tools for war. They are not for making money. Airplanes are beautiful dreams.“ — from Hayao Miyazaki’s “The Wind Rises.”